


Alastor's joyfully grisly tales of massacres and murders

by I_dont_know_okay



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Basically Al reads horror stories, Blood and Gore, How Do I Tag, attempted humour, cause I didnt know who else, in his alone time, mostly about serial killers, reader is Alastor's shadow, so no squeamish people, unless you want nightmares, without getting ripped to shreds, would be able to sit across Al
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:33:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27926068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_dont_know_okay/pseuds/I_dont_know_okay
Summary: Alastor tells tales about some of the worst killers and rulers in history.PS I do NOT mean to disrespect anyone mentioned.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	Alastor's joyfully grisly tales of massacres and murders

**Author's Note:**

> Got this weird idea when I was watching Myths and Monsters and it was about Alastor sitting by a fireplace and telling stories, so.... I just wrote this.
> 
> Also I do NOT mean to disrespect any of the victims or people mentioned. This is merely what I think Alastor would do if he read about these stories.
> 
> Words in brackets is what Alastor is saying in between reading.

There is a room in the hotel which no one knows about, and that room is the library. Old, dusty full of different sized books and spider webs. Or Alastor's favourite place to hang out away from everyone. It was late at night, when he would sneak off to his secret place. The room was large with about a hundred rows of dark mahogany shelves almost like a labyrinth, full to the brim with these ancient artefacts, but one of them caught his eye the most, large and black, very black. So black that when you stare at it's leather cover you feel like its a deep dark pit. Flipping it over to look at it's faded gold cursive writing 'Hell's worst and mythical tyrants' hmmm wonder if I'm in there thought Alastor, There's also no author, oh well. He flipped through the rusty yellow pages, glimpsing at the words. Yes, this should be a splendid read! 

Taking a seat at the pale green chequered armchair, that sat facing the white marble intricately designed fireplace. He snapped his fingers engulfing the room in darkness before lighting said fireplace, With the flames dancing and his crackling about creating a cosy atmosphere.

"Now that we have chosen the perfect book I do believe it's time to read" Alastor said with his radio ecstatic voice

"Let's see, which story first? (he started flipping through)There are so many. Aha!" He landed on 1888, The notorious Jack the Ripper.

"Always best to start of with a classic, now shall we begin?"

"London 1888, the dark and foggy streets of the Whitechapel district were a perfect place for crime and violence, as poverty was rising. This is where our friend first begun his terror. Killing 5 prostitutes, (Ha! I wonder what he would've done with Angel, do you think he would've gone for the throat first or one of his arms?) these victims of his are now referred amongst humans as the canonical 5. (Lame! Last time I checked he wasn't shooting anyone out of a canon) The first body was found in Bucks Row (Is this book trying to mock me?) on August 31st 1888 at 3.40am, said body belonged to one Mary Ann Nichols, Who was discovered by Charles Cross. (I wonder how angry this guy was) Charles claims he was walking along the street when he noticed a bundle towards the western side, another man who was also there was Robert Paul, who approached the body with Cross. When the police arrived, they were met with a scene that truly earns this fellow his name: She was found on her back, throat slashed and she was disembowelled (I've done worse) It was determined that she had only been dead for 30mins (the timing is very charming)."

"I know what you might be thinking, that really wasn't impressive, which probably is true as you tend to see these things while perhaps taking an evening stroll underneath the pentagram but you must remember that this is earth we are talking about and not hell.(Right I know it is but you really should've seen the things I did) On September 8th same year, the second victim Annie Chapman was discovered on 29 Hanbury street by John Davis, one of the residents there (Imagine opening your door to get a newspaper and you just find a body, Oh wait I don't have to Ha!). Again her throat was cut but this time the violence grew that the murderer took her womb (Why would you take a womb? What would you use it for? Hearts I get, sacrifices and nice meals, like what my mother used to make, but a womb you really can't make anything nice with that) at the time, many human detectives thought that the killer was a doctor or surgeon from the manner of which the womb was removed (I always take care in carefully removing my victims heart but no one said 'oh this guy's a doctor!' Instead it was, 'This guy's absolutely deranged!') and if not then at least some basic anatomical knowledge.

Alastor shut the book and rested his elbow on it "This story used to be much more fun and thrilling when I was alive, but I guess that was before I went on my rampage. And had a taste of murder for myself" He opened the book, magnificently on the exact page first try "Now where was I?"

"On September 27th again on the following year, one of London's biggest newspaper printing companies receives a letter supposedly from this grand sinner, it reads:

'Dear Boss  
I keep on hearing that the police have caught me but they won't fix me just yet. I have laughed when they look so clever about being on the right track. That joke about leather apron gave me real fits. I am down on whores and I shant quit ripping them till I do get buckled. (This guy would've really liked Angel) Grand work the last job was, I gave the lady no time to squeal. ( Nice to see this guy was a gentleman, a bit like me) How can they catch me now? I love my work and want to start again. You will soon hear of me with my funny little games. (What a sense of spectacular humour!) I saved some of the proper red stuff in a ginger beer bottle (Proper red stuff? like ketchup or tomato juice?) over the last job to write with but it went thick like glue and I cant use it. (what a waste!) Red ink if fit enough I hope ha ha. ( Ha ha indeed) The next job I do I shall clip the lady's ears off and send to the police officers just for jolly wouldn't you.(Yes I would) Keep this letter back till I do a bit more work, then give it out straight. My knife's so nice and sharp I want to get to work right away if I get a chance. Good luck.

Yours truly  
Jack the Ripper  
Don't mind giving me the trade name.

Wasn't good enough to post this before I got all the red ink off my hands. Curse it. No luck yet. They say I'm a doctor now ha ha.'( I think this fellow needs the good luck to just wash some ink of his hands, Ha!)

Alastor looked up from the book so that you could see his ruby red eyes reflecting the fire. "This is truly a marvellous work of literacy. They should be teaching this at school and not another one of Shakespeare's plays after all they do have the same principal and subject: Murder. And I am sure that the kids of the MODERN TIMES (Alastor's eyes turned to radio dials and his voice become a scratchy radio player) would enjoy it way more" He smiled 'sincerely' at the end. "I know I certainly would've but now we're getting to victim number 3"

"Alright let's continue" His voice rang out like an old radio, echoing through the room

"This letter was then released on October 1st, only 3 days later; and it is due to this letter our dear jack has such an extraordinary nickname. But before that, on September 30th 1888 our gentlemen here did do more work as he said murdering Elizabeth Stride on Berner street at supposedly 1am. The body was discovered by Louis Diemschutz. (What a name!) It is believed and discussed still among the humans that this was not the rippers bidding as only the victims throat was slashed, but others say that he was interrupted when Louis approached. And surprisingly only 45mins later another body was discovered (Oh-ho! he was really proving the kill two birds with one stone!) in mitre square which was only a short walk to the west from Berner; This body belonged to Catherine Eddowes, it was said that her body was severely mutilated, including her face and her uterus removed as well as her left kidney. (Finally some action!) Later the police discovered what is probably the only solid clue in this case and that is some of Catherine's apron beside this was a message written in chalk, I will not mention it because it is very anti-sematic (Ha! the authors a cowered! We're in hell darling, you should be used to this) found by Alfred Long on Goulston street near an apartment complex, not very exciting but it was found east of the Eddowes murder scene and closer to Strides body, meaning that Jack zig-zagged through an area most likely full of police officers. (That is just delightful!) this demonstrates his elusive ability and why many of hells residents refuse to go out alone at night. ( I'm sure there are more reasons) Another letter was received this time dating October 1st: (Are we sure this guy wasn't a poet? I mean his letters are exquisite)

'I was not codding dear old Boss when I gave you the tip, you'll hear about saucy jacky's work tomorrow double event this time. Number one squealed a bit couldn't finish straight off, had not the time to get ears for police. Thanks for keeping last letter back till I got to work again.

Jack the Ripper'

"Now I know what you may be thinking, this is absurd it can't be him because half of the public already knew about these murders. But no. According to the receivers they got it on the morning after the murders, meaning none of the public knew about it as it hadn't been released to the media at that time.(As if back then they didn't run about screaming that someone's been murdered at the top of their lungs, Ha! Complete utter nonsense). The last and final victim was Mary Kelly found in 13 Millers court by her landlords assistant, in her own bed on November 9th. This murder was by far the most gruesome (Well you do have to end on a show stopper!) again her body was disembowelled and 'virtually skinned down', or as the landlord said 'The sight that we saw I cannot drive away from my mind, it looked more like the work of a devil than of a man' (Why do humans always confuse low life sinners with his "majesty"? I mean it's like me saying that one monkey that works in the café is quite charming. see nonsense!). Many would say that the ripper's deeds weren't that horrendous but you see my dear reader that still to this day in both hell and earth not one creature knows who he truly is or why he did it, there was and is no motive or reason behind his doings. So remember next time you take a stroll through the city watch your back for he may be there." Alastor finished with a small smirk and closed the book, glancing up at you. 

"Wouldn't you say that was a great ending to this truly spectacularly chilling tale? The unknown prostitute killer of London, or perhaps Angels next and final client? Ha! you should've seen the look on your face! Besides I'm perfectly sure Angel's safe and if not. Then. All. The. Better. For. Us." He said with black soulless eyes and extremely staticky voice that made your ears ring.

"Anyway I do say that brings our time to an unfortunate end, my dear fellow. But do not fret for I shall come again"

With those final words he disappeared into the darkness of the library, leaving you staring at the cackling fire all alone. 

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Who would you like to hear about next?


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